The Crawford Family

Dustin

2009-05-01T11:58:00.001-07:00

Dustin made the costume himself with just a little help from mom.

He likes being a super hero, it is his favorite game.

Super Dustin!

He fell asleep in his stroller while on a run with Dad.
He didn't wake up when Kirk got home so we left him in
the garage until he woke up at 8 that night.

Out like a light.

He is so sweet.

Disneyland Trip

2009-03-29T18:43:00.001-07:00

Dustin's Third Birthday!

2009-02-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

On January 7th Dustin Turned 3!

We had a little party with his friends Sarah and Marky.

He got new train cars for his birthday.

He loves them so much he sleeps with them at night.

Then we celebrated again as a family.
Dustin loved having two parties.

Rachel and Kasey's First Annual Girls Only Holiday Wine Tasting Party Extravaganza!

2009-02-17T19:03:00.000-08:00

You heard right. My friend Kasey and I had this great idea to throw a girls only wine tasting party in December...and it was a blast! We will be doing it again. We invited friends from far and wide and I was impressed with how many drove hours to join the fun. The only rule was to bring a bottle of wine. First we made wine glass charms (it was girls only so we are allowed), and then the wine started pouring. We ate tons of food. We sat and talked next to the fire. We enjoyed sharing stories and laughing surrounded by Christmas lights and music. Next year I would like to make it a couples party instead of girls only. Let me know if you want to join. The more the merrier!

Silverstrand Half Marathon

2008-11-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

We did it! Kirk and I both completed the Silver Strand Half Marathon. I ran it in 2 hours and 32min. Although I missed my personal goal by two minutes I beat Kirk! I never beat Kirk at anything! It was 92 degrees by 8 am and we ran directly into the sun. Not exactly the conditions we hoped for. And those water stops are too far apart if you ask me. But at least we all finished. That was the most important thing. We were pretty sore the next day though. I think Kirk is done, but I would like to run another one someday. I want to improve my time. It felt so good accomplishing such a lofty goal. Especially under the circumstances. I will keep you posted on any future races.

Halloween and Stuff

2008-11-02T19:33:00.000-08:00

Life continues to move forward for us. We are doing our best to take one day at a time and pull from each day the blessings that come with it. We are still very sad. We miss Aubrey and Ellie very much. I especially missed dressing them up for Halloween. It is hard to let go of all the special moments we thought we would have with them. I think the holidays will be tough.

Dustin remains our joy. He is getting so big! He has become super proficient at peddling his tricycle around our kitchen table multiple times a day. He used to like to run his trike into the doors and walls at full speed, but Kirk and I put a stop to that rather quickly. He behaves now.

Dustin enjoyed Halloween very much this year. I dressed him as Oliver Twist. Kirk and I took him to the Harvest Festival at our church. Somehow I managed to limit Dustin's candy intake to only four pieces. He spent most of his time playing in the bouncy houses.

Kirk and I are still training for the half marathon on November 16th. We will keep you posted. It will be a miracle if our legs don't fall right off our bodies!

Our Family

2008-09-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

This is our most recent family photo. It was taken on June 14th. What I love about it though is I am 23 weeks pregnant in it. So, it is a picture of our WHOLE family. We are a truly happy family awaiting the arrival of our daughters. We didn't know at the time that in ten days our lives would be changed forever. We would not keep Aubrey and Ellie after all.

Life continues to go on for us though. We have settled into our new house and enjoy more living space despite the lack of furniture. Kirk is back at work and has recently transitioned from Miramar to Pendleton to take on his new job as a flight instructor. He will not be deploying for a few years and I am happy to have him home for a while. Dustin is growing like a weed. He is talking in full sentences and has been potty trained for a few months now. He is God's gift to us in every way. His presence in our life has helped us cope with the loss of our girls more than any other. He is smart and sweet and truly a special boy. Kirk and I adore him. I am healing well from my c-section and feel physically better everyday. Kirk and I have decided to run a half marathon in November. It is a lofty goal, but we are committed. As I type this I am fatigued and sore from training, but still determined. I have also started my own personal blog at http://www.aubreyandellie.blogspot.com/. It is more of a journal than a blog. You can read about my journey through grief as I slowly make my way out the other side. I miss Aubrey and Ellie immensely. We all do. We always will.

The Funeral

2008-08-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

Aubrey and Ellie were laid to rest on Friday, July 11th, at 11am, in a single plot at Ivy Lawn Cemetery in Ventura, CA. They were placed side by side in the same casket. It only seemed right that since they shared a womb they should also share a casket. I didn't want them to be alone. Kirk performed a simple grave side ceremony. He, despite his own grief, remained composed enough to speak about his sweet daughters. His words were perfect. He did a beautiful job. I could only sit and cry. I held their memory book in my lap the whole time. Kirk and I sat for a while holding each other while my uncle Jim played "It is Well With My Soul" on the saxophone. The funeral was beautiful. We were surrounded by friends and family that came from far and wide. Even the sun came out. But despite all the blessings, it was still the worst day of my life. Just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. I have not been able to bring myself to visit their grave site yet. Someday I will, but right now it is just too soon.

Aubrey's Story

2008-08-15T09:37:00.001-07:00

This is Aubrey Elizabeth. She was born on June 24th, 2008 and died on July 7th, 2008. She lived for 13 days. She was the first of the twins to be born and weighed one ounce more than her identical twin sister, Ellie.

Aubrey was much more active than Ellie, always moving and stretching. She often pulled at her tubes and lines as if she was telling us that she didn't like being hooked up to so many machines. When she was two days old I got to change her tiny little diaper. She wiggled and kicked the whole time. I remember thinking how feisty she seemed for being so small.

Aubrey was at risk for all the same problems as Ellie. Both girls had severely underdeveloped lungs and were at high risk for permanent lung damage. Both girls also had an extra valve still open in their hearts that would require surgery to close if it did not close on its own in the next few days. All babies have this extra valve, but it usually closes before a full term baby is born. This extra valve bypasses blood from the lungs since in the womb the mother breathes for the baby through the umbilical cord. But now out of the womb the open valve causes uneven blood pressure. Extremely high blood pressure goes to the brain and low blood pressure goes to the organs below the heart. This causes the girls to be extremely vulnerable to brain hemorrhaging which would cause irreversible brain damage and a high risk of organ injury and failure, especially to their intestines, due to lack of blood supply. Infection was a huge risk for them also and they were receiving blood transfusions to keep their white blood cell count up and antibiotics. They were on blood pressure and blood clotting medication, steroids to help mature their lungs, and pain medication to lesson their discomfort, among other things. We could only pray and hope that some how they would be spared from all the risks of premature birth and survive the next four months.

The doctors reminded us that premature babies do well for the first few days and then things often take a downward turn. Kirk and I were sitting in my hospital room alone on the afternoon of the third day when the Neonatalogist walked in with an intern and a social worker and said that she needed to talk to us. My heart sunk. She explained to us that during the night both girls had incurred bleeding in their brains. Aubrey received a grade four hemorrhage on one side of her brain, and although the bleed would most likely cause permanent impairment, it was still very possible for her to lead a full life if she survived without other problems or more bleeding in her brain. It is very common in these cases that the healthy side of the brain compensates for the injured side and she would be left only slightly impaired. She was facing mild cerebral palsy and possible difficulty learning to read or do math, but she would walk and talk and lead a high quality of life. Kirk and I were so hurt to hear of her brain damage but so relieved that it was mild and that her future was still bright if she survived.

For the next few days Aubrey seemed to stabilize a bit. She was still very sick and in no way out of the woods, but her days and nights were uneventful. She seemed to be hanging in there. Initially she had lost a lot of weight but over time the nurses were able to help her gain some of it back. The poor little girl looked so skinny though. And she had this mysterious blue finger on her right hand. It seemed to not be getting good blood supply but every once in a while it would pink up a bit. Aubrey had a way of always giving us hope. She seemed determined to pull through.

On the seventh day Kirk and I lost Ellie. After Ellie's passing we spent time with Aubrey. All of our hope and attention now rest with her. We just lost one but we still had the other and we desperately wanted her to live. While holding her hand and talking to her we noticed a discolored spot on her abdomen. We pointed it out to the nurse and she told us that it had been there for a while and that is was of concern. Originally it was Aubrey that they thought was in intestinal distress but before her test results were back Ellie perforated an intestine and became the more critical of the two. The Neonatalogis was still very concerned about Aubreys' intestines and was watching her very closely but was unable to determine exactly what the problem was. We left the hospital scared and uncertain.

That night, at 1:30am, Kirk's cell phone rang and woke us out of sleep. It was the Neonatalogist asking our permission to transfer Aubrey to Children's Hospital here in San Diego immediately. Her entire abdomen had turned bluish-gray and he felt she needed surgery and the only place it could be done was at Children's. We consented and she was immediately transferred. We wanted to give her every chance to survive. The next morning we went to see her at Children's. I remember being taken aback at how sick she looked. She was puffy and discolored and resting motionless except for the rise and fall of her chest. I felt so sad. The doctor explained to us that the transfer was very hard on her and she almost did not survive. She arrived too critical for surgery and they were attempting to stabilizer her. Besides, they still could not figure out what was really going on with her intestines and needed to run more tests. The doctor suspected that her intestines were dying and that she was in the throws of complete organ failure. Surgery would be ineffective if that was the case and she would not survive. They wanted to monitor her for the next 12 hours to see if there was any change but the outlook was grim. Her body was showing all the signs of shutting down. Kirk and I agreed to continue treatment and see if she showed any improvement over night. We would return in the morning to check on her.

That night Kirk and I prepared ourselves for the worst. We prayed for a miracle but could not bring ourselves to get our hopes up. We drove to Children's the next morning with heavy hearts. We had no idea what condition Aubrey would be in. To our surprise she did stabilize through the night. She no longer required blood pressure medication and her respirator was on the lowest settings. Her abdomen was still discolored, a sure sign of some kind of intestinal problem, but the exact diagnosis remained a mystery. For the time being she was hanging in there.

For the next three days she remained stable. My fear turned to hope as I allowed myself to believe that she was going to live. We were going to keep one after all. We continued to visit her daily. That Saturday when I went to see her I discovered that she had opened her eyes. It was such a precious thing to see. I gazed into her eyes and talked to her. I burned the image of those tiny little eyes in my brain. They were smokey gray. The nurse said that Aubrey couldn't see anything except light and dark, but I knew that she could see me. I knew that she knew her mom was there with her, looking at her sweetly, holding her hand gently, loving her unconditionally. It was a beautiful moment. I finally let myself feel my bond with her without fear or reservation. She was my precious little baby girl. She was a part of me. And I desperately loved her. I left that day believing God was going to let us keep her.

On Monday morning Kirk and I received a phone call from Aubrey's Neonatalogist asking us to come in for a meeting. We knew it could not be good news. We speculated in the car ride there what terrible news awaited us as we tried to prepare ourselves for what we might hear. The doctor sat us down to tell us the worst news we could imagine. During the night Aubrey experience even more brain hemorrhaging. The good side of her brain had filled with blood and she also had blood in her brain stem. She had received the same devastating brain injury as Ellie. Now Aubrey was facing severe cerebral palsy and mental retardation. She would most likely never walk or talk and would require multiple surgeries to relieve the painful seizing in her muscles. And she would require a breathing tube to breath and a feeding tube to eat. The quality of her future had been severely compromised. The doctor recommended that we stop life support. The doctor made a comment that we were young and could have more children. I wanted to kick in that doctor's teeth. I didn't want other children. I wanted Aubrey. Kirk and I sat alone in the doctor's office to discuss our options. We were torn. We wanted to give her every chance to live but we did not know what kind of life she would have. Losing her seemed as painful as keeping her. We couldn't be selfish. We had to do what was best for her. We were being forced to make decisions no parent should ever have to make. It was agonizing.

We decided that the life she would live was no life at all. Existing on permanent life support was not really living. We set aside our desire to keep her and asked to have her removed from life support. We took her to a private room and took turns holding her. For the first hour she was very active. She opened her eyes again and looked around. She moved her arms and legs and wiggled in her blanket. I fleetingly hoped that she would miraculously keep breathing and live despite what the doctors thought. But as time went on she became more and more still. First she stopped moving. Then she closed her eyes. We could only see her chest rising and falling as she struggled to breath. She turned blue and felt cold. I would put her cheek against my cheek to try to warm her up. I kept her wrapped tightly in her blanket so that she would feel comfortable. We were with her for two hours. Then she went to heaven. We walked back to her bed and put her down. I asked to the doctor to be gentle with her and to keep her warm. I knew she was dead but I still worried about her and didn't want her to be cold. Then Kirk and I walked away.

We signed some papers and left the hospital. When we walked out into the daylight I felt like I traveled through a time portal or something. It was over. No more babies. No more doctors. No more hospitals. No more begging God for a miracle. It was all over. Our girls were gone. Both of them. Forever. As we drove away I felt completely empty. And I was hungry. I remember thinking how strange it was that I was hungry. Kirk and I stopped to get some dinner. I cried while I ate. I couldn't stop crying. I felt bad for our waitress. She brought us ice cream to help easy our pain. We never did tell her what we were crying about. Sometimes there are just not words.

Ellie's Story

2008-08-14T15:50:00.001-07:00

Ellie Alexandra Crawford was born on June 24th, 2008 and died on July 1, 2008. She lived for seven days. She truly was a miracle and we are thankful for every moment she was with us. She was smaller than her sister by only one ounce and started out strong. We were impressed with her from the start. Despite having severely underdeveloped lungs she was trying to take breaths on her own and her respirator was on the lowest setting. All good signs for a such a small baby.

The doctors warned us however that the first two days usually go well as the babies have a lot of adrenaline in their systems and that we should expect things to take a downward turn on day three or four. Premature babies are at risk for all kinds of problems, one of the most serious being hemorrhaging in their brains because the damage is permanent and devastating. Kirk was convinced from the start that everything was going to be okay with our girls. That although it might be a long haul for them and months in the NICU, they were going to make it and we were all going to stay a family. His confidence was so reassuring to me. I did not share his same certainty, but when I woke up on the morning of day three, I felt hopeful, and for the first time I allowed myself to believe that our girls would be okay.

That afternoon however, we received devastating news that both girls had experienced bleeding in their brains during the night, Ellie's being the most severe. The severity of a brain hemorrhage is graded on a scale of 0-4, zero being no bleeding and four being the most severe. Ellie had a grade 3 hemorrhage on one side of her brain and a grade 4 on the other, including bleeding into her brain stem. It was a devastating injury and she was facing severe cerebral palsy and retardation. She would most likely never walk or talk and would not be able to breath without a breathing tube or eat without a feeding tube. Kirk and I were crushed. We wanted her to live so badly but now we questioned what kind of life that would be. All we could do was pray that God would give us clear direction regarding her treatment. We wanted to give her every chance to live but we also did not want our selfishness to force her to live in such a degraded state. We were confused and torn. After conferencing with the neonatologist and a neurologist about what was in store for Ellie we decided to continue with her treatment until she was well enough to get an MRI so that we could have a better understanding of what damage was really done to her brain and how severe the reprocussions would be. Kirk and I were so worried about her. We were worried about both our girls, but for the days following we were preoccupied with what the future held for Ellie and what decisions we might have to make regarding her care. I didn't even know how to pray. I didn't even know how to feel. We cried a lot and hoped for a miracle.

Kirk and I went to visit the girls every day, often more than once. I would look at Ellie through the incubator glass and beg God to work a miracle in her life. She looked so sick and small. I also noticed that her right hand had become clawed, a clear symptom of her severe brain damage. But I loved her regardless. I know Kirk did too. One day the nurse took the top off the incubator so that Kirk and I could help change her bedding. I held her in my hands and lifted her up as Kirk changed the blanket underneath her. It was the first time I got to hold her since her birth. And even though it was only for a moment it was wonderful. I continued to talk to her and tell her how much I loved her. Kirk talked to her as well. When we spoke she waved her little left hand. It was confirmation that she knew our voices. She knew her mom and dad were there with her. It was a precious moment that I will never forget. It was our own special time that I have tucked away in my heart. I think about it often to comfort me when I am sad. I am so thankful for such a special memory.

On Tuesday, July 1st, Kirk and I received a phone call that Ellie's intestine perforated. When we got to the hospital we were told that only surgery could fix her intestine, but that surgery was risky, but without it she would die. We could see that she was very sick. Her belly was distended and had turned blue. It was very likely that she would not survive the surgery in her fragile state. Kirk and I did not want her to die on an operating table all alone. If she was going to die, we wanted her to pass away with us, in our arms, telling her how much we love her and how much we will miss her. We decided that God had made clear what we should do. Her body was failing. She couldn't fight anymore. It was time to remove her from life support and let her go to heaven. Kirk and I spent time with her on the respirator, holding her and kissing her. Then we asked the doctor to remove life support and we took Ellie over to see Aubrey. It was the first time they had been together since they were born. After that we took Ellie to a private room and Kirk and I took turns holding her and kissing her until she passed away. She lasted for about 40 minutes. And then she was gone. Kirk carried her back to her bed in the NICU and laid her down. It was heart wrenching. We were completely devastated.

That night when I went to bed I didn't even cry. I think Kirk and I had cried out all the tears we had. We were numb. We knew she was gone but the pain was too much to bear. The pain of losing a child is unimaginable. The only comfort we have is knowing Ellie is whole and perfect in heaven. She is no longer suffering. She is with Jesus and we will see her again someday. We long for that day.

Meet Our Daughters

2008-08-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

This is Aubrey Elizabeth. She was born weighing 1lb 5oz and she measured 12 3/4 inches. She looks so skinny because she had trouble holding on to fluids. She lost a lot of weight after she was born. She eventually fattened up, sort of. She liked to move a lot and she often pulled at her lines and tubes. She seemed to be feisty and a bit restless in her incubator. She liked to sleep with her hands above her head. She was so cute. I think she was the one always moving and kicking inside my belly.

This is Ellie Alexandra. She weighed 1lb 4oz at birth and measured 12 3/4 inches. Since their birth we learned that they are identical twins with nonidentical personalities. Ellie was our mellow girl. So calm and sweet all the time. She also had very fine blond hair and long blond eyelashes.

Aubrey and Ellie were born at 24 weeks and 4 days gestation, four months too soon. The doctors cannot find a reason for why I went into labor so early with them. Other than being premature, they were born perfect. They had ten fingers, ten toes, all their organs and no deformities or illnesses. All of the illnesses and injuries they experienced were a result of their struggle to survive outside the womb. They were not born sick or damaged, they became that way as a result of being born so prematurely. Both of them were so precious. It was unfathomably hard not to be able to hold them or nurse them. We wanted so badly to comfort them. Kirk and I would reach inside their incubators and hold their little hands. Our love for them ran deep. Our attachment was profound. We hoped and prayed for them to live and cried often at the fear of losing them. In the end however they both went to be with Jesus. Kirk and I had the privilege of holding them in our arms as they took their last breaths. Losing them truly broke our hearts. They each took a piece of our hearts with them to heaven. Our hearts will never be whole again. We desperately miss them and always will.

The Sad News

2008-07-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Some of you know and some of you don't, but Kirk and I have experienced the worst tragedy we can imagine. The precious twins I was carrying, our two little girls, not due until October, arrived sooner than expected on June 24th. I went into premature labor and they were delivered by emergency c-section at 24 weeks gestation, four months early. We named them Aubrey Elizabeth and Ellie Alexandra. Ellie lived only seven days and died on July 1st. Aubrey lived for 13 days and died on July 7th. We lost our sweet girls. I will post the whole story soon with pictures so that you can meet our precious angels. They are a loved and valuable part of our family and we will never forget them. We miss them terribly.

TWINS!!!

2008-03-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

Kirk and I got the surprise of our lives last Thursday when a routine ultrasound showed not one, but TWO babies on the screen. It turns out that the new baby is actually two new babies!

WE ARE HAVING TWINS!!!!

The shock has not worn off yet but we are both very excited. Our family is growing leaps and bounds in the blink of an eye. In the above picture you can see both babies. Sorry it is blurry but the two white shadows are each a baby. The babies are side by side right now heads away from one another, feet toward one another. Below if a picture of each baby. The left is labeled BABY A and the right is labeled BABY B. Baby A is slightly bigger than Baby B at this point but an official due date of October 9th has been set. The twenty week ultrasound will determine if they are fraternal or identical twins and what sex they are. I can't wait!

Easter!

2008-03-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

Easter was a wonderful time for our whole family. We enjoyed great weather, two powerful church services, and all the traditional Easter festivities. Dustin and I dyed eggs together with Aunt Crystal and ate them all in the form of egg salad sandwhiches before Easter even got here. Dustin was excited to hunt for his Easter basket on Easter morning and made quick work of his chocolate bunny. Enjoy the pictures.

Our Next Move...

2008-03-05T11:14:00.000-08:00

We have received our next assignment...finally. We will be staying in California! Kirk will be transfering to Camp Pendleton in July and we will be staying right where we are. Also, Kirk does not have to go on a third deployment. I feel so much relief to know that we will be able to be together as a family for the next couple of years at least. This is a huge blessing for us. We look forward to being near family a while longer and soaking up more California sun.

New Baby on the Way!

2008-03-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

Yes you heard right...I am pregnant! Baby number 2 is due in October. When I have an official due date I will pass it along. Dustin is thrilled to know he will be a big brother soon and loves to point to my belly and say "baby." Everyday we ask him if he wants a brother or sister and everyday he changes his mind. Kirk and I are both thrilled. I look forward to blogging the pregnancy and introducing New Baby Crawford when he/she is born. I also look forward to when my morning sickness is gone!

Dustin's First Visit to the Snow!

2008-01-25T08:25:00.001-08:00

Kirk and I took Dustin to Oregon to visit some good friends of ours and spend four days at a winter home in Sun River, Oregon. There was tons of snow and it was freezing. Dustin got to go sledding for the first time and we also took a family sleigh ride. We had a blast together visiting. Even with his teeth chattering, Dustin loved playing in the snow with his daddy. It was a wonderful family vacation.

Dustin's 2nd Birthday!

2008-01-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

Dustin turned 2 years old on January 7th. We had a little party and Dustin had a blast blowing out his candles and opening his presents. He was very aware this year that it was his special day. He woke up that morning and said, "Birthday to me!" I get such a kick out of his outgoing personality.

He loved his foot ball cake but wanted to play with it, not eat it. He only had one bite.

Kirk's Homecoming

2008-01-15T12:15:00.000-08:00

Kirk came back from Iraq on November 17th after seven and a half months away. We missed him very much and were so excited to see his helicopter fly overhead. We knew he was finally home safely. Dustin waved his flag as his daddy landed and we all ran out to see him. It was an exciting day. It is nice to be a family again.

Get caught up to stay caught up...

2008-01-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

Since I have not been on the blog bandwagon I thought I'd give a quick history of how we became the Crawford Family so that those of you keeping up with us can be caught up with us from the beginning...

Kirk and I met on Eharmony.com. I was finishing my last semester at Westmont College earning a BA in Political Science. Kirk was in flight school in Pensecola, Florida, earning his wings as a pilot in the USMC. We met in person for the first time on October 10th, 2003 and things went from there. We had a long distance relationship until he moved to San Diego in February of 2004. We were engaged on July 3rd, 2004 and married on Jan 22, 2005. We will be celebrating our third anniversary in just a few weeks.

Just a few months after we got married we were pregnant. Surprise! Kirk deployed for Iraq in July of 2005 and did not return until January of 2006, when Dustin was three weeks old. He may have missed the pregnancy and birth of our son but he instantly bonded with Dustin and has been a great dad since the first day they met.

Dustin Zachary Crawford was born on Jan 7th, 2006. He weighed 7 pounds, 11 onces, and was 22 inches long. He had a head full of red hair and he was perfectly healthy. He is now two years old and is a joy to raise. He is a happy and active little boy and the light of our life.

Since Kirk and I were married we have endured 2 deployments to Iraq for a grand total of 15 months of separation. He just returned from his second deployment in Novermber. Mix in the birth of our first child and multiple moves and it makes for a whirlwind first three years. The time has flown by but we are settled for the time being in San Diego waiting to be told where we will go next. As soon as I know I will let you know so you can keep up...

Getting on Board!

2008-01-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

It seems like everyong has a blog these days and I finally decided to get with the program. It makes so much sense to have a blog that I don't know why I have not set one up sooner. Being a military family this is the perfect way to stay in contact with all our friends where ever they are...and more importantly where ever we are. So here it goes...the Crawford Family is official (official bloggers that is!).